The Hardest Part Is Wishing You Were Here
by keaneplay
Summary: Penny tries to work out why she misses Leonard so much whilst he's away at the North Pole. Now updated with a new ending for chapter 3.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**I decided to make a few adjustments to correct some grammatical mistakes (and the flaw with the first line – can't believe I got it wrong!). This is my first attempt at writing a TV show FanFic, so please be kind with your reviews.**

**Oh and anything written like this - *text* - means crossed out on paper (FanFiction won't allow strikethrough *frowns*)**

"It means I wish you weren't going" whispered Penny, whilst leaning her head against the door of her apartment. _Why didn't you tell him Penny? He's leaving for three months and you still couldn't tell him the truth. Why do I always wait for him to make the first move?_

"I need a drink, maybe that'll help…" she groaned as she finally moved away from the door. She grabbed an already opened bottle of red wine and began to pour herself a glass. Once the glass was drained, another followed, which was then in turn followed by another. By the time she had finished the bottle, she was feeling worse than ever. Deciding that there was little point opening another bottle, Penny staggered to her room and collapsed on her bed in a fit of tears. It was going to be a very long three months.

xoxoxoxox

It had been only two days since Leonard and the guys had left for the North Pole but for Penny it felt like a lifetime. Never before had she realized just how attached she had become to the guys, she had learnt to put aside Sheldon's complete lack of tactility towards her, his obsessive nature for keeping things absolute and even his forever need to talk _science _about everything. Then there was Howard and his tendency to be _creepy_, Penny shuddered at the thought of Howard's many attempts to woo her… _I suppose that at least he knows when he steps over the line now._

"Hey Miss? Are you going to serve us or what!" shouted some faceless man whom Penny couldn't really see.

"Wha– what?" stammered Penny, coming out of her daydream.

"Are…You…Going…To…Take…Our…Order?"

"Oh!" replied Penny realizing that she was at work and that this was the third time today she had been caught up in a daydream. "I'll be right with you…"

xoxoxoxoxox

_I seriously need to get a grip, I'm going mad! _thought Penny. It had been three weeks and still she hadn't gotten used to the emptyfeeling that was consuming her. She had tried drinking her worries away, she had even tried dating but nothing could hide the haunting image of Leonard. This image changed depending on her mood though – sometimes she could remember every little of their very first kiss but at other times she thought about how they had never actually had that second date, much less beginning a real relationship - even after such a pleasant first date. If there was one thing that Penny regretted most, it was that.

Suddenly an idea struck her. Not one of those stupid ideas like the last one, this one would work she was sure of it. _What was I thinking trying to drink away my problems anyway? _Yes this new idea was surely bulletproof. _I have an emergency key… Maybe I could just go and take a look at some of Leonard's things? What harm could that do? Leonard doesn't have to know, it's not like I'm going to steal his stuff or anything. Now where did I put that damn key again?_

After fifteen frantic minutes, Penny finally emerged from her bedroom with Sheldon and Leonard's apartment key. Almost running to their door, Penny pulled out her key, put it in the keyhole and turned. She then entered the empty living room and sat down on the chair that Leonard usually sat in. _Ah, that's better _thought Penny, relaxing into the chair.

However after just under half an hour, the chair was no longer enough. She felt the urge to take a look at some of Leonard's _unique _memorabilia. Getting up carefully from the seat, she made her way into Leonard's bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed she took a look around and noticed a half opened book.

_I wonder why this book is not with the others on the shelf; it's not like Leonard to leave something around? _Picking up the book something fell onto Penny's lap. _Huh? It looks like a letter – It has my name on it! _Wondering why Leonard had hidden it inside his book, Penny decided to take just a peek.

"_Dear Penny,_

_I know that we have had our ups and downs in the last year or so but I feel that it's time to come clean. *I love you* I don't have the words to describe the way I feel about you, *I love you more than you'll ever know* I just want you to know that leaving to go on this expedition to the North Pole is the hardest decision I've ever had to make… I wish you could come too, but I suppose you have a million better things to do than sit in a little shack all day for three months._

_I don't know whether you meant anything by that hug, but to me it will always be a special moment. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it but I really don't want to leave you for three months, you mean the world to me and that hug has made me think that perhaps you'll miss me too. *I love you Penny.* I'm really going to miss you._

_Don't forget me Penny._

_Yours *Forever* Sincerely,_

_Leonard."_

Penny noticed another note on the floor, _"Make sure you give it to Penny, and don't chicken out AGAIN"_

Falling backwards onto Leonard's bed, Penny lay there for hours pondering the meaning of the letter. It was everything that she had hoped for – more than she had dared imagine in the last few weeks without him – but it wasn't enough. Nothing would be enough until the day he came back with the guys. _Whenever that is… Hmm, I wonder how many days are in three months anyway. _thought Penny as she began to calculate three months into days.

After numerous rereads of the letter, Penny began to feel tired. Rather than go back to her own apartment though, she decided to curl up in Leonard's bed. With the aroma of the bed around her, she began to calm down, before eventually falling asleep, dreaming of Leonard being there next to her, holding her tightly, _her _Leonard…

**A/N**

**Hope I fixed the grammar errors this time around :)**

**Also if you managed to read to the end of this chapter, could you please **_**please**_** review? It'll only take a few seconds of your time and it really lets me know whether you liked it or not…**

**-keaneplay-**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**

**This chapter has also been cleared of any mistakes (I hope) and I've also tweaked a little bit of it, so that it now makes more sense.**

**Hope you like it!**

Six weeks had now passed since Leonard had left for the North Pole and three since Penny had found _the _letter. She was still pondering what the letter could mean. Did it mean, "_I love you Penny and I want to be with you" _or could it mean, "_I want to be with you but this trip is more important", _or maybe by not actually posting the letter, Leonard had changed his mind on how he felt anyway?

_Urgh! There are too many different meanings, why can't life be simple? If he was here I could just ask him! _thought Penny, though deep down she knew that she would never be so bold as to just blurt it out into the open. _What if we do what we always do and just pretend nothing happened? We both have become so good at pretending we're _just _friends…_

The ringing of the telephone distracted Penny from her internal conflict, heart pounding she reached for the receiver. "Leonard?" she blurted out before remembering that he didn't have access to a telephone.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

After nine weeks of no contact with the guys, Penny had begun to get used to life without them. Not having Howard around had one perk in particular – not having to listen to his constant attempts at trying to seduce her with his totally inappropriate comments was a nice upturn of not having _him _around. Then you had the luxury of not having to listen to Sheldon's eccentric rants or the awkward 'conversations' with Raj… Leonard however was another matter completely. The more she thought about it, the more she realized just how close they had become. Wasn't he the one who always helped her when she had a problem? Wasn't he the person who always tried to control (or at least simplify) some of Sheldon's mega explanations? In fact he was the best friend she had ever had and that made her yearn for him more than anything, relationship or not, Penny needed him in her life.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

_It's two in the morning and I still can't sleep - what is wrong with me! Why do I need to read that letter again? I must have read it a million times! _Despite her reluctance to read the letter, Penny decided to use her emergency key yet again. _This is the last time _promised Penny to herself, just as she had done for the last three weeks. After pulling on her dressing gown, Penny walked out of her apartment and into Leonard's one across the hall. Finding the letter back inside it's hiding place, Penny took it out and reread it until she could feel the tiredness creep up on her. Laying her head back onto Leonard's bed, Penny fell into an uneasy sleep, the guilt from being in Leonard's room without permission raged but the self satisfaction she felt from being as close as she could to the real him was more important to her at the moment.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

_Today's the day he should be back! It's exactly three months today – 92 whole days! _she thought excitedly, whilst serving customers at the Cheesecake Factory. She felt so good today that she just wanted to sing at the top of her lungs. The smile that she was wearing must have been infectious because even her customers were struggling not to smile.

"Excuse me honey, can I ask you something?"

Spinning around, Penny tried to locate where the voice had came from. After a moment's search, Penny saw who had asked her. "Sure Mr – I'm not sure I know your name?"

"It's Bryan, Bryan Matthews" replied the man.

"Nice to meet you Bryan, what is it you wanted to ask?" asked Penny politely, still smiling from the thought that today could be the day Leonard returned.

"Would you like to go see a movie after you finish work?" he asked confidently. Seeing the look of surprise on Penny's face he quickly added, "You don't have to – I just thought a nice girl like you'd –"

"I'm sorry Bryan but I'm meeting a friend tonight" replied Penny, feeling slightly awkward, especially since Bryan looked like the kind of guy she usually dated – tall, muscular a well built kind of man, not like Leonard.

"You sure? Maybe some other time, then?" said Bryan, who then started to collect his things together.

_Maybe, but hopefully I won't be available to date soon…_ thought Penny, another smile playing across her face. _See I am growing up; I didn't fall for him like some of the others. Leonard's a lifesaver…_

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A few hours later, Penny finished her shift at work and drove back to her apartment. _I wonder what time they will be home, they didn't tell me. _Rushing up the stairs, Penny began to have doubts about whether they'd be back at all. _What if something happened? How would they get help? What if a Polar Bear ate Leonard! Do Polar Bears even eat people? _Question after question swirled around in Penny's mind until she reached the fourth floor.

Walking up to their apartment, Penny pressed her ear against the wood of the door and listened. No sound could be heard at all. _They're not home _thought Penny, heart plummeting with disappointment. Going into her own apartment, Penny threw her things onto the nearest surface and opened the cupboard. Pulling out a new bottle of wine, Penny drank slowly until she felt her pain at the non appearance of the guys ease. _Maybe I should have gone with, err… Ryan? No that's not right – Matthew? I swear that's not his name, oh well maybe it was Matthew Ryan… Sounds something like that… At least I wouldn't be on my own waiting for Lenny – I mean Leonard. Boy am I drunk! _Thought Penny, realizing that she had almost forgot Leonard's name.

After a few more glasses of wine Penny decided that it would be a good idea to see Leonard's letter again. Grabbing her key from the bowl _Damn Sheldon and his key in the bowl idea! _Penny let herself into their place and once again took out the letter. Crawling into Leonard's bed, Penny lay herself down and was soon in a deep sleep, oblivious to the mess she had made of Leonard's things.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

_My head! What on Earth happened last night? _thought Penny when she woke up with a huge hangover the next morning. _Where am I? Oh crap look at the mess I've made! _exclaimed Penny noticing the wreckage that was Leonard's room. _He's going to know I was here! _Scrambling out of the sheets of the bed, Penny began to tidy as much of the room as she could. _I don't know where it all goes!?! What can I do to stop him from noticing?_ Suddenly an idea struck her, _that'll work…_

**A/N**

**Chapter 2 guys, what do you think? Please let me know by posting a review, it'll be greatly appreciated. Hope the change I made to Bryan Matthew's was a good one. I thought he sounded too nervous to be one of Penny's usual types, so I decided to make him a bit more 'macho' *lol***

**Review!!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**

**The final chapter of my Fic is now even better (and hopefully fully fixed).**

**I've made some pretty major changes to this chapter, so sorry if you liked the old version more – I personally prefer this way…**

**Hope you all enjoy :)**

An hour later and Penny closed the door to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment before walking back across the hall. _It's a good thing I have a late start for work today, I'd never have made it in otherwise._ Wondering whether or not Leonard would notice her presence in his bedroom was put to the back of Penny's mind for the time being, _what use is there worrying? _thought Penny, as she got her things together before taking a refreshing shower to try and clear the headache from the night before.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

"I still don't understand why Wolowitz needed to fashion that crossbow – unless he was thinking of hunting some Polar Bears, I can think of no logical explanation for why he would need such a tool in the middle of the Arctic, no less so at the North Pole…"

"Can you really think of no _other _reason, Sheldon?" said Leonard, rolling his eyes at the back of Sheldon's head.

"No Leonard I really can't" replied Sheldon, clearly flummoxed by the conversation. Turning around to look at Leonard he added, "Can you think of any plausible reason why Howard would need – and may I add – a badly designed, crossbow Leonard? I just don't see it?"

"Never mind Sheldon, let's just get into the apartment!" said Leonard wearily, pulling out his long unused key from his backpack.

"You know, this is the first time for a whole ninety three days that we've actually had the luxury of our own bedrooms" said Sheldon matter-of-factly. "I have to say, I am looking forward to sleeping in a proper bed – one that won't cause back issues every morning."

"The beds weren't that bad Sheldon –" began Leonard before being cut off.

"Oh please, how many times did you wake up and say '_Oh my aching back!' _or _'Sheldon, why did you bring us on this God forsaken trip!' _Clearly you were missing the feel of a proper bed too."

"Yeah _that's _why I said that…" said Leonard as Sheldon entered his bedroom.

"I'm just looking forward to getting rid of this stupid beard, it's so itchy –"

"LEONARD!"

_**Meanwhile…**_

Penny had had a very hard day at work. On the drive back from the Cheesecake Factory all she could think about was whether or not the guys would be home today. After yesterday's disappointment, she had vowed not to get her hopes up but as the day wore on, she found herself becoming increasingly nervous about the consequence of their return. What if they found out that she had been in their apartment? How would she be able to explain what she had been doing there, without revealing the truth to Leonard? Parking up her car, Penny rushed through the doors, took a quick look to see if she had any mail, then proceeded up the many flights of stairs. _Boy do we need need to get that elevator fixed…_

"LEONARD!" she heard Sheldon scream. Heart pounding with excitement, Penny ran up the last flight of stairs and into the hallway separating the guy's apartment from her own. After throwing her work things into her apartment, Penny bolted across the hall and pressed her ear against the door.

"What are you talking about Sheldon? Nobody's been in the apartment for _three _months!"

"I'm telling you Leonard – somebody has been in my bedroom!"

"For God's sake Sheldon, why would anyone go into your bedroom?"

"I think the question should be why somebody– or something for that matter, _did_ go into my room? I'm going to go and check your room too –"

"Whatever Sheldon – I'm going to say hi to Penny."

_Uh oh! _Penny knocked the door quickly and less than five seconds later, Leonard opened it. Clearly he was surprised to see Penny at the door – but even more so when Penny grabbed hold of him in an iron-grip of a hug.

"I can't believe you're back!" said Penny excitedly. _This feels so __right__! But how do I tell him that? _

"Uh Penny – I can't breathe!" whispered Leonard, though Penny noticed that he was holding her almost as tightly as she was him.

"Sorry! I just can't believe that it's been a whole three months since I last saw all of you guys!"

"I know what you mean, I've missed being able to talk to you…" Leonard shifted slightly before continuing, "Penny… I – I think that I – I think that – that –"

_Is he trying to say what I think he is? Oh my God! Say something to help him! Do it Penny – DO IT! _"What are you trying to say Leonard? Cat got your tongue?"

A determined look spread across Leonard's face. After taking in a deep breath he continued, "Penny I think that I lo –"

"LEONARD!" shouted Sheldon, from inside of Leonard's room.

"For the love of God – WHAT NOW SHELDON? I'm kind of busy here!" shouted Leonard, frustration evident across every vein in his face.

_Of all the times Sheldon! _screamed Penny inside of her head.

Penny watched Leonard enter his bedroom and wondered if he would notice anything different about it. Two minutes later she had her answer.

"I don't know how that ended up in my room Sheldon! I swear it wasn't me who put it there – maybe Wolowitz did it before we left? Or perhaps it was Raj?"

"I don't care Leonard; you messed with my Leonard Nimoy DNA! How am I supposed to create an exact clone of the great LEONARD NIMOY if you insist on touching my belongings? Just look at the rulebook that you signed and agreed on upon living here as my roommate…"

"I didn't do it Sheldon! And was it really necessary to trash my room! You could have just asked me to help look, that way my stuff wouldn't be all over the place –"

"For your information Leonard, I gave you the chance to help me search but you responded with a number of futile denials, which straight away leads me to suspect that you were involved…" began Sheldon.

_Phew _thought Penny, C_lose call! - He thinks Sheldon messed his stuff up, I'm in the clear!_

"Well guys, I better be getting back to my apartment –"

"Don't you want to hear about what we did for the last three months?" asked Leonard, whom Penny noticed had a slightly odd look about him. _He knows it was me! But how? _"Don't you have any questions about what we did?"

"I do have one question, why were you a day late?"

"Sheldon insisted on going to the hospital to check up on his leg wound –"

"Oh my God, what happened? Did you get attacked by Penguins?" asked Penny, genuinely concerned _even if it is Sheldon _she thought.

"I'll have you know Penny that there are no Penguins in the North Pole. Any even slightly educated person would know that they are found at the south –" began Sheldon.

"Polar Bears then" she added annoyed at Sheldon's rudeness.

"Polar Bears? No he was hit by a flying Icicle just before we trekked back from our base" answered Leonard, grinning slightly.

"A flying icicle? How could that happen?" Penny was really confused now.

"Actually it was Howard's fault – he decided to take an icicle into the shack for his crossbow – don't ask…" Leonard added seeing the impending questions about the need for a crossbow, "Anyway he fired the icicle at the _wall _and ended up hitting Sheldon's leg instead."

"Well how are you Sheldon?" asked Penny politely.

"I've been better, I must say but it's nothing too bad I suppose." Replied Sheldon in his typical no nonsense fashion. "I'm going to bed now Leonard – Penny I'd ask you to leave now if you don't mind."

"You're kicking me out?" _The cheek! _"See you later Sheldon, oh and I love the beard!" Sheldon just turned around and entered his own room closing the door behind him, leaving Penny and Leonard in an awkward silence.

"Fancy coming over to my apartment for a bit, you can tell me all about your trip?" _Maybe we'll be able to continue our earlier conversation…_

"Sure, let me just get something from my bag"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Half an hour later, Leonard had just finished telling Penny about how they had discovered absolutely nothing in the three months, well nothing if you didn't include Leonard's new hate for Snow and Ice. He did have an interesting story about an electric can opener and how they had messed with 'the' Sheldon a few times. Penny couldn't help but laugh at that.

"Umm… Penny, why did you go in my room when we were gone?" asked Leonard, interest across his _handsome _features.

_Oh crap! Lie to him, come on Penny, you're excellent at lying!_ Shifting uneasily to face Leonard, Penny responded with "I had to check that you hadn't left behind anything important – by the way, how did you know I'd been in your room?" asked Penny, still flummoxed by how Leonard could possibly know of her intrusion of his room.

"I assume you placed Sheldon's napkin in my room too?" Penny nodded before asking him to elaborate. "Well you kind of left a bright yellow cardigan under my bed…"

"Oh! I thought that perhaps you'd become psychic while you were away – I can't believe I left my top behind! I wondered where that had gone!" _rookie mistake Penny! _

Leonard seemed more interested in the Psychic comment than the top though. "Penny we've had this discussion before – psychics aren't real! There just isn't any scientific proof that telepathy is possible…

"Yeah Yeah Yeah, I get it Leonard!" groaned Penny "What was you saying earlier _before _Sheldon interrupted us?"

"Oh that? I was going to say… I was going to say that I err, umm, I lo… I _like_ having you as a best friend Penny." Getting up Leonard began to make his way to the door.

Heart sinking Penny responded with "Me too Leonard, me too"

"I've got you something from our trip, but only if you want it… you don't have too –"

Curious, Penny watched Leonard pull something out of his bag. _What could he have gotten me from the North Pole? I may not be the smartest but even I'm pretty sure that there aren't any shops there…_

Leonard took the glass frame and handed it to her. "What is it Leonard?" asked Penny, intrigued.

"It's a snowflake from the North Pole." He said earnestly, he was obviously very proud of it.

"Are you serious?" she began before being interrupted.

"It'll last forever – I preserved it in a one percent solution of –"

"Thank you Leonard" she replied before she lost him on one of long science explanations. _What does this mean? Should I kiss him now… _

"Umm well, goodnight Penny, see you tomorrow" said Leonard as he edged towards the door back to his apartment.

Penny bade him good night and brushed a gentle kiss on Leonard's check before whispering, "It's good to have you back Leonard. And thank you so much for the gift – it's perfect."

"Uh, um, you're welcome Penny…" replied Leonard hesitatingly before withdrawing out of the doorway into the hall.

_I guess that's a little progress if nothing else. At least that'll give him something to think about tonight, _thought Penny before closing the door and placing the snowflake next to her bed on the cabinet.

**A/N**

**Again, please please please review, it's something that I need if it's to inspire me to write another Fic.**

**I hope you enjoyed the new ending to this Fic – I feel that at least with this ending, I can incorporate the third season of The Big Bang Theory into a possible sequel…**

**Big thanks to my all my reviewers: **DarkPascual, qwerty, martindeporres, thatsmartgirl, Skinsfan2, Ben May, IdiotThinker, Shortcake82, ValarieVandal, PerennialKillJoy, Sky-Thorn, westwingnut221, Chaos Nightbringer, HarrissBoBarriss, , raichy, rokerroar, epikkk, Orcatje, webuiltthepyramids, & amtrak12

**Thanks so much everyone :D **


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